Crying

Crying, for me, is not a temporary fix. It is not a momentary catharsis that functions as a break from one's life, that returns one to one's regular self after it cures and releases all that's wrong.

For me, the fugue is permanent. It's not comforting if I know I have to go back. The things I have cried about have never disappeared. Crying does not delete them. When I break down, I want it to be forever. A giving up. Submission to the greater forces of madness. You win. I acquiesce.

I crave not ten minutes of silent shaking in a bathroom. I crave not howling and tearing my hair out in my room for an hour. I crave asylum, permanently. I crave a straight jacket and a white, bare room. Emptiness and freedom forever from that which haunts. An ending. I want to know how it ends.

all material copyright laura podolnick, 2005-2006.