Everyone has a deep, dark secret. Sometimes these secrets are so deep and so dark that we don't even know what they are ourselves. So I made a quiz that can help you discover your very own. You're welcome.


First, let's talk about your personality. The word that best characterizes you is:

Annoying
Erotic
Helpful
Violent
Efficient
Fun
Bloated



Do you often hurt others?

yes
no


If you had to commit a crime, you would most likely commit one against:

yourself
nature
your country
other individuals
reality


You have to watch tv. What show do you choose to watch?

VH1--they are showing concert footage from the 1970s!
something on Animal Planet
something on Al Jazeera
Law & Order: SVU
Transformers
anything but Fox News
something on the Food Network


Are you shy or outgoing?

Pretty shy
A combination of both
Very outgoing



What was your favorite subject in school?

music
biology
politics or history
sex ed.
physics
recess
lunch


Which of these sounds the like a consequence you are willing to face?

neverending mockery from everyone you ever meet
having to give your dog away
the death penalty
life in prison without parole
never being able to understand human emotions
being considered crude, weird, insensitive, and even evil by the wannabe-patriotic public
forced visits to a certified nutritionist



If you had to sing karaoke, what song would you sing?

"Tom Sawyer" by Rush
"What's my name?" by Snoop Dogg
"Terrorist" by RZA
"Raped" by the Frogs
"Whip it" by Devo
"Believe" by Cher
"Love is a Cannibal" by Elton John



Are you a republican?

sure am!
hell no!


What body part do you value the most?

my attentively listening ears
my proudly prominent genitalia
my strange and conniving heart
my very strong and convincing arms
my solid and functional torso
my odd and excellent mind
my sharp and shiny teeth.